a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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