false alarm. still invincible.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
