We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
