i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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