my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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