If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
