Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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