My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
