i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
