How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
