My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
