Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
