If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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