Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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