when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
