I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
