Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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