this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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