I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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