Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
They took my balls.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
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