also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
