wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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