He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
