Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
