Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
