dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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