totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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