I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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