Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
