Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
