im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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