Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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