I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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