Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
