God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You have to summon your inner elephant
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."