Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
