Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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