she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
