time to smoke my breakfast
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
