trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
