the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
