the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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