Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
