Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
