Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
