booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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