I wish I could teleport
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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