we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
