Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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