dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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