Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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