i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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