i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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