is your mom at the bar?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
