so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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