you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize