What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
