you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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